More Amusing Than Mangoes

I am sort of distressed by how long it has been since I updated. Clearly, no one could call me an avid blogger. Although I do avidly read the blogs of everyone on my friends list. Is it sad that I use facebook and livejournal to follow the lives of people that I really don't talk to in person? Is it sad that I get sort of invested in their lives, even though I guess you could say I'm not technically a part of their lives? Is it wrong to feel like I sort of still know these people? I think in this day and age its so easy to passively connect to people, and so hard to actually connect. Its so safe to send a facebook message, or post to a wall but so hard to pick up a phone. Its so easy to see pictures of people, and "reconnect" with long lost friends, but its hard to really see people, to fly across the country to visit your best friends.

And then there's that other problem of finding a group of people that you do want to actually socialize with, people to see and talk to in real life, and realizing that its so comfortable to be with those people you already love, you might end up not ever wanting to really meet other people.

I guess we all want to be safe. Safe behind a computer screen, safe within a group, safe within a relationship. Safe. I mean who hasn't started a sticky conversation over AIM so as not to actually have to face it. If it happens in AIM life, its not really life right?

I like safety. I like familiarity. I don't want to talk to strangers. Is this a product of our upbringing? My grandmother grew up in a small town in West Virginia and she is the most social person I know. Now she lives in Florida (which is where I was all last week, visiting). When salespeople ask if they can help her, she says yes and tells them everything she wants. When the checker rings up her purchases she strikes up a conversation. She tells people about her athritic knee, she explains I'm from California, she tells them what my dad does for a living. But there I am trying to silently get through my life, hoping that the salesperson won't ask too many questions.

Which is not to say I don't talk to people, but I just know that I shy away from the unfamiliar. I mostly think its a miracle that I even met Brady, that I managed to go on enough dates that it became sort of official. Mostly I am amazed to have stuck it out long enough to be so comfortable. And it scares me that I sometimes don't want to talk to anyone but Brady because it would just be too much work to try and explain myself.

I didn't mean to wax philosophical about our world. I mean to say that all is well with me. That I am muddling through. Work is still a little hectic, a little too hard, a little unfulfilling. There is still a part of me that aches for adventure and whirlwind trips even as I long for more stability. But I keep coming back to this safe world I've created. Safe friends, safe boyfriend. Safe living at home, safe job with my dad, safe safe safe. Not easy. Just safe. But outside work life is pretty good. That guy I see all the time is good. He's funny, he makes me smile, he teases me, he drives me crazy and he tells me to stop freaking out all the time. And he's a little bit of a risk because there is always a risk in letting someone get that close, and always a risk in caring that much. It could all end in big ouch.

Thats all from me. This entry could get epic (is already epic I bet) and I don't want to get into family woes and serious things.

over and out.

Its been like a million years since I last wrote anything. And by a million years I mean like months. I'm not good at updating, life is too busy.

I am so exhausted that I can barely function. My head can't even process information anymore. I'm going on vacation next week. I just need to make it to next week. And then MINIBREAK! Its not really a vacation except that I have to use vacation time. Really I'm just taking one day off. But Brady and I are going to San Diego. I anticipate fun will be had.

Its too hot here now. I need to migrate north for the summer. Anyone know of any summer jobs in Canada. Or Scotland? Or Alaska? Too bad I have a job already here.

Ok, this mindless drivel ends here.

So I've spent the last two days watching hundreds of auditions. TBA general auditions are intense. And now I keep thinking in monologues. Last lines with an impact. Emotional states explained. 30 seconds of intense emotional agitation.

Here's my 30 seconds of emotional agitation, brought to you by the tired tired mind of Alex Elliott.

I complain a lot about being at the TBA auditions. I complain a lot about work, and the work I could be doing at the office, and the weekend I could have had if I hadn't been sitting in a dark room for 12 hours watching people bare their souls. But, the thing is, I like watching the auditions and I love not being at the office and I love watching people bare their souls. The problem with the whole thing is that I talk too much. And it leads to awkward situations. And I am not good at networking. Because, see, talking always leads to too much information and the poor people who just wanted to know my name suddenly know all about everything and the words just keep coming out and suddenly there is a complete stranger out there who knows all about why I hate the copier at work, which is true but maybe not something I needed to share. Or even wanted to share. And that is not how networking is supposed to work. But I try anyway because I was raised to be a person who strives to be the best at everything. So if that means talking to strangers, even though I hate talking to strangers, I guess thats what I'll do. And if that also means I get to see a skinny white girl rap and a duck puppet made of found objects, well that makes the auditions and the networking and the whole ordeal kind of worth it. And the free bagels kind of rock too.

Note to self: Just because you can stay up until 4 talking to your boyfriend and thinking that life is pretty darn good, doesn't mean that you should stay up until 4. Your mind would like you to consider the possibility of sleep.

So my first christmas as a working woman has been weird. I didn't get a day off until the day before christmas which just did not kindle the holiday spirit. I was so entrenched in work things that I forgot the holidays were even coming up at all. And now suddenly its christmas and I missed the whole build up.

Life is good I guess, but somewhere just underneath it all is a building panic, a feeling that I am about to be steamrolled by something big and fast and capable of crushing me. Maybe its work? Maybe it's my relationships? Maybe its my family? Maybe I'm just psycho? But just underneath all of the goodness thats happening in my life, there is this tension and whenever I think about it I can't breathe. I want to be calm and happy and on top of everything, but I feel like I am letting someone down all the time. And I'm worried that I just keep letting myself down.

Those aren't very cheery Christmas thoughts. Let me try to muster up the holiday spirit that I know is all around me. Our traditional christmas eve dinner was the best I can remember having in years, the tree is beautiful and the gifts this year were just the best ever. And by that I mean that we all gave each other exactly what we wanted and there were no bad gifts or exchanges to be made. I got my sister the perfect gift and I was so proud of it, even if I did have to shop all day to find it. And when I brought out the photo collage I made for Omi, she burst into happy tears, which in turn made everyone cry.

And I got a new camera. :-)

I'm not going to lose this one on a BART train. No way. I'm handcuffing it to my person at all times.

I think that concludes my holiday thoughts. Happy Christmas to all, except the people who don't celebrate Christmas. They should just have happy Tuesdays!

I heard three Alanis Morissette songs in the car today, all from the Jagged Little Pill Album. It brought me back to the days when I used to know all the lyrics to "Ironic". And "You Learn". Oh wait. I still do.

Life has been so insanely busy lately. I just feel like I am always behind and I will never get on top of everything that needs to be done. And this in turn makes me distracted and thus I get even farther behind and its a big mess of me feeling like I am chasing after some elusive goal of being done.

Life is good though. The job is good, my friends are good and being in the bay area is just so good, especially at christmas time. I was so worried I wouldn't have people to hang out with once I got back up here, but honestly I don't have enough hours in the day to give everyone the time they deserve. I feel pretty content with life, when I ignore the work projects looming over my head. Thats really all I have to say.

Please. Please come to the Martinez Monster Ball this Saturday October 27. Its very important. Especially since I think I might be fired if no one shows up.

So come party with me and other cool people. 636 Ward St. Martinez, CA. 7:30 p.m.

It has to be cool, because I planned it and hired people and oversaw everything. And thats like the definition of cool party.

Coerce your friends into coming. NOW.

So Allison came up to the Bay Area to visit last weekend and it was pretty much the greatest weekend ever. We saw a very visually stunning Peter Pan and ate a lot of gelato and went out drinking in Berkeley. (I may have drunk to excess...these things happen).

Then on Sunday we had the weirdest day in the city. But also the greatest day. We stumbled upon a free performance in Union Square and watched a group of circus-type performers prance about. The juggler dropped his balls a lot and I don't think that the accordion accompanist was a very good player (he was seriously lacking in rhythm), but the tightrope walker was really very excellent. After the circus we went to SFMOMA and saw a frozen car. It was in a giant freezer and before you entered there was a sign that said "Please take a blanket before entering the freezer." So we stood in a freezer that was 14 degrees and observed the ice car, which, in the US, is only being exhibited at the SFMOMA. You should go see the ice car. And really, you're going to need the blanket. 14 degrees is beyond freezing. There was steam coming off our bodies it was so cold. Then we went to dinner and ended up sitting right next to the San Francisco twins! Way cool!

So it was a day of freezing and a day of cultural icons. But mostly it was a day with my roommate, who I miss right now. The only downside is I lost my camera and it really had some good pictures on it. So crap. No camera. But I'm trying to get over the loss. Its just hard right now. *Tears*

On a happier note....Its my birthday tomorrow! Go me!!

Dear Sex Drive,
I am trying to find a nice boy to date me and your persistent messages of "find someone now" are really getting in the way. We both miss making out with people. Stop reminding me. Cease and desist.
Love,
Alex

Wow I'm tired. Work is scary crazy fun in that I always feel like I'm 10 steps behind kind of way. Does anyone know anything about booking bands, because I sure don't. But suddenly I'm supposed to find 5 local bands to battle it out October 27 and I'm not even sure where people find bands. If Jesse weren't around I think I would have died in front of the computer listening to nails-on-chalkboard-like singing courtesy of myspace music. Someone should screen and sort all those bands. Seriously.

I do like that my job has included the following:
-Watching youtube video clips of Jessica R-H for about an hour
-Offering Jessica a job thanks to that hour of youtube-ing
-Dressing as a nun and pouring wine
-Cruising myspace music and listening to bands
-Setting up an account on socializr.com
-Eating nachos and drinking alcohol by myself in the back of a theatre
-Getting free tickets and booze for me and Kimchang
-Talking to a variety of people, all dressed as nuns or priests, all serving booze and nachos
-Searching headshots for several hours trying to find a non-equity man who can sing and dance on pointe (I'm still looking for such a man if anyone knows a guy)
-Being taught marketing by the man who wrote Nunsense and its 6 sequels
-Debating what time of year homecoming is simply so we could use it as a metaphor in our ad campaign

Ah yes, the joys of theatre. But really I spend a lot of time with people dressed as nuns. And a lot of time they also have rhinestones on.

My personal life is pretty non-existent. I really don't leave the house or meet people or socialize which is funny since my job is all about getting people out of the house and into the theatre. I really would like to have someone to come home to. Besides the cats. Who are starting to make waaaay too much sense to me.

I am going to sleep now. Thats all I have to say for now.

So I'm back from the east coast and its much more temperate here and I don't know why people ever leave California ever.

Also I started work and its fun and its not fun and I'm happy and I'm not happy and I'm stressed and I'm calm and my family went to Italy without me and I'm counting down the days until I go to Hawaii. 4 days.

I think living alone is making me crazy again. I talk to the cats. And I know what they are trying to say to me. So we talk to eachother and we bicker and I think that its not a good sign when you hear the cats talking back. Its just I work all day and then I come home and I feed the cats and I clean the litter box and I water the lawn and I clean as much as I can and then I watch bad TV or movies and the cats sit with me. Or I run home to take care of them, forget to eat dinner and run out again to do something with my evening. So basically my life revolves around my psycho cats. One of the psycho cats is trying to sit on my hands right now. Its hard to type.

I don't know what else to say. I have so many things I would like to say but to a confidant I don't have, a person that doesn't exist. I get mad and compose huge fights in my head, telling people off, planning the perfect fight. I get sad and I write melodramatic scenes of giving up and giving in. But in life I can't rise to the drama. I'm just here. I'm not doing much. I'm just hurting and fighting in my head. If I'm broken, its only on the inside. I'm just hoping that I get better or things get better or life gets better or people get better. I'm just counting down the days until I go to Hawaii. 4.

Ok story of the day:

It should be understood that my father is a person who gets what he wants. Example: the man who owns this house did not have wireless internet. My dad, through a series of emails and phone calls told him that he simply MUST have wifi. When we arrived, there was a wireless router in the living room. These things happen when you travel with my dad.

So the man who owns this house is a personal trainer. So downstairs he has a HUGE gym. A huge locked gym with all sorts of fancy stuff that we can't get at. So dad calls the man and asks why we can't get in and the man says, well its a liability. And this (to any normal person) is a reasonable answer. But I really wanted to run on a treadmill today and the gym downtown was closed. So dad said, "Ok, I'll get you into the home gym." The home gym has french doors and one of the two doors has a lock on it. The other door is blocked by the locked door and so the whole thing looks pretty secure. But dad shows up with a hammer and some screwdrivers, takes out the hinges on the door without the padlock, pulls the door out and after about 5 minutes of work, allows me access to the perfect little home gym. And yes, as those of you who know me might guess, I was panicked and guilty the whole time I worked out. But I did work out.

I really hope the man who owns this house doesn't like to cruise livejournal for random people. If he ever found this I think we would be banned from ever renting a house again.

So happy 4th to you all!! I hope your days were wonderful. We saw an awesome fireworks show and dad and Uncle Jonathan almost blew their faces off lighting bottle rockets in the backyard. They just had to see how many fireworks they could explode at once. I spent a lot of time giving manicures and pedicures to my small cousins when they weren't running away from the burning rockets that kept flying in our direction.

Ok sleep time for me. Tomorrow dad is bound to do something else thats funny and I will be here, reporting live from the scene.

Ah curse you jet lag! Its 2:23 and I am up. But I bet you tomorrow morning when its a decent time to be awake I will be fast asleep. It basically just sucks to travel from California to anywhere. Except Hawaii. Its great to go to Hawaii.

So I'm in Michigan because dad thinks its cool to fly into Chicago and drive to Florida. And seriously, thats only the beginning of the crazy. (I'm kind of lazy so I'm going to copy some (all) of this from an email I sent)

We are staying in this huge house owned by an ex-marine who may or may not be gay. Dad and Andy spend much time each day speculating about the man's sexual orientation. He has a dimmer in every room and dad says this is a sure sign of homosexuality. But there is a picture of him hugging a girl pretty tightly so we think thats a point on the straight side (and yes its weird that he has personal pictures all over the house he rents out to complete strangers). BUT there is also a really really gay picture of him hugging a tree in this pretty boy way with nice lighting and stuff and thats definitely a point on the gay side. Dad says its like 5 to 3 in favor of gay at this point. (The other pictures are pretty gay, especially all the ones of him and his Marine buddies. But dad also found some girl stuff in the man's personal locked cupboard so he thinks a girl lives here sometimes. And yes, dad broke in to it by picking the lock. And no thats not unusual for dad).

This man is also weird because his house has no central lighting (the entire living room is lit by two tiny lamps), no dining room table, he has videos lying around but no VCR and the TV in his bedroom (which is an expensive HD type) doesn't get cable. We think he did his own plumbing because the upstairs shower leaks into the downstairs bathroom. And he also spent time and money lighting the trees in the backyard. Including the trees really far away and down a ravine. Oh yeah and the tree lights get their electricity from a long extension cord that runs across the lawn. Classy. Also the water comes from a well that apparently has a lot of sulfur in it so all the water smells like rotten eggs. Its like taking a shower with Old Faithful.

Ok one more story (although I could go on forever): Tonight dad decided to add some ambiance while we watched TV. So he lit a fire. At first just a tiny bit of smoke was leaking out so dad figured the flue was closed and stuck his entire head into the lit fireplace to open it. Only the smoke kept coming so he opened the screen door to let in some air. Instead, in the three seconds between opening the door and pulling the screen shut, he let in more bugs than I have ever seen in my life. So we decided to turn off the lights and hope that the bugs would fly into the fire. Instead they flew into the TV so dad grabbed a pillow and started smacking the TV screen and the walls and everything. It was like a warped pillow fight with dad smacking all the characters on CSI really hard in the face. I wish that was the punchline. So then the fire alarm goes off and its all linked through the whole house so the fire alarms upstairs go off too and then this woman's voice calmly starts saying, "Fire, Fire, Fire" and Andy gets up and swats at the smoke detector with a pillow and dad sticks his head back in the fire and the woman just keeps saying fire fire fire and meanwhile we are all starting to asphyxiate because smoke is pouring into the room. So Andy sticks his head into the lit fire and pokes at the flue and all these leaves and pinecones come falling out and the alarm is still going off and so we decide the fire needs to stop before we all die. So dad and Andy go outside and grab the copper fire pit thingy (which is basically a giant copper bowl for putting a fire in) and they use the fire tongs to transfer the burning duraflame log into a giant copper bowl. And then they take the burning bowl of fire outside. Seriously. They carried a bowl of fire through the family room. And my lungs hurt from gasping in the smoke as I laughed. And dad and Andy just keep saying, "well thank goodness we had the ambiance." My life is so ridiculous.

It was 113 in Tucson today. I don't understand why I am here. The a/c isn't working fast enough. I might be dying of the heat. My brain is muddled and I feel faint. Its 10:08 pm and the house is 90 degrees.

I graduated? I'm confused by this thing called life. My sister is going to her orientation for college tomorrow and it throws my life into stark relief. I am not in college. I am NOT in college. I am somewhere else? I feel like the same me but the rest of the world is crazy different. Where are my friends? Why do people scatter? Why do people couple up? Where do I go, little single person me, with nowhere to scatter and no one to couple with?

(Note: If I were in Glasgow right now it would be 44 degrees with clouds and winds from the west. Typical summer weather.)

I wish that I was leading a very exciting life, but mostly I sit at home and watch TV episodes online. It turns out the people I thought I would hang out with are awfully busy. To tell the truth I am busy too. Busy and not busy. Busy being not busy. Except when I am actually busy. I leave for the south on Monday. I have a lot of summer to pack into the next few days.

I'm sad that people drift away. I'm sad about it all the time. Stay with me, please. But also I am not going to beg, not going to work so hard, not going to demand so much. I'm just me and I have to take care of me. I can't always be the one to hold everyone else together. Sometimes someone else needs to make an effort.

I like my high school friends. Young and I need to hang out more. I didn't realize how much I missed Jenna Diestler. I just want them all to stay put. I want my roommate to come back. I want something to feel normal again.

Where do you meet people in this new world? How do you replace the friends who are falling by the wayside? The friends too caught up in a life that doesn't include me? Where does one find people to talk to?

I chopped off all my hair. (Technically I paid someone to do it, and she did it very nicely.) My toes are still red, and I think I will paint them again on Sunday. I bought new clothes. I am not the me I used to be. But I am not anyone else either. I'm just shinier. Happier. Lonelier.

I'm going to sleep now. The house is 88 degrees. My eyes sting from too much chlorine. I have a whole day of summer tomorrow.

I'm less calm today. I have a lot of things that I am supposed to do. I need to cancel all my utilities and give the post office my forwarding address and send the phonetic spelling of my name to all sorts of people. I have to clean my house and pack and get ready to head back to the bay area. I have to prepare myself mentally for the shock of moving. I have to go to the leasing office and tell them we want a pre move out inspection. I need to send some last minute graduation announcements. And I need to write a paper about dying languages. And I need to be present in my own life. Because I don't want to miss anything.

I should listen to calm music and breathe deeply. *Breathe*

I had a dream last night that an alligator was eating my leg. I was annoyed, but not unduly concerned. It hurt and I was surprised, but I was pretty sure it would go away before it actually took my foot. Eventually I kicked it in the head and it swam away. I don't know what that even means.

I got an email from Dr. Fowler today saying that I officially have honors in directing. *Glowing happy* I have been working so hard for so long and now I have trouble believing it. I hit so many snags, so many moments when I was like, ok thats it, I give up. But I didn't. And I officially have honors in directing. And phi beta kappa. I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm a little bit proud of myself.

None of those good things change the fact that I have a lot to do and not so much time to do it. But today I'm stuck at work, I have nowhere to be, I can't call the utilities from here so I might as well breathe. And think wow, I'm almost done with college. And maybe I'll watch some old episodes of house because I am obsessed. Mmmmm....House......

I'm at home listening to music and feeling pleased with the world in general. Right now, in this moment, I am fine. Things are good. Outside of this moment things could be falling apart, but right now I'm listening to Stars and thats all thats going on in the world.

I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry its over, I'm not sorry, there's nothing to save.

I painted my toenails red. The deep kind of red that makes me feel like scandal. Every time I look at my toes I think I should be having sex. My toenails have nothing to do with me, nothing to do with who I am really, nothing to do with my sex life. But every time I look down I feel like smiling in the way that means I have a secret. And I want to have a secret to smile about. I think I may keep my toes red forever. I had no idea it could change me so much.

Live through this and you won't look back.

Somewhere, in some part of my brain, I know that I graduate in less than two weeks. 13 days now. But mostly I feel like that can't be possible. I know that next year I will have a job, but I can't believe it. I know that things are ending but I don't feel it yet. I'm afraid I won't feel it until its gone. I'm afraid I won't feel it at all. I'm afraid that I will graduate and get a job and this will be my life and it will no longer be an adventure. I finally found myself, I finally figured out that the person I want to go on adventures with is myself. And now I'm afraid I'll become a person who goes to bed at 9:00 and gets married and dies.

When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.

I want to explode. I want to be vibrant and stunning and adventurous and new. I want to live in different countries and change the world and write and defy convention. I don't know if I want a career. I don't know what I want, except that I want it to be spectacular. I want to love like its an adventure, live like its an adventure, smile like its an adventure. I want to meet people worthy of loving me, people worthy being loved. I want to jump with my whole heart and cry when it breaks. I want the world to make room for me. I want to shed my skin and fly away.

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me you see all the beauty, repent all your sin.
Its nothing but time and a face that you lose.
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose.
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From the house down the road from real love.

Sometimes I read other peoples livejournal entries and I just think "Woah, I feel like that. They said it better, but thats how I feel." And it makes me sad often its people that I never really got to know, people that I saw around but never did hang out with, people who I wish I had known better.

And suddenly its week 6 and theres 5 weeks left until graduation and there isn't time to do things like tell people that you think that you understand them. There isn't time to say "lets bare our souls because I think you would understand me." And I haven't been sad about graduating at all. But that makes me sad. It makes me want to stay in touch. But I'm really bad at keeping in touch. Before facebook and livejournal I was even worse.

Its also really really hot and I do not like it. In the evening it seems cool because its still warm and the sun is dipping and you feel like childhood again because you want to sit outside sipping lemonade or lighting those outdoor tiki torches so that you can put on a mini musical in the backyard. But warm nights that feel like being young come after days that sizzle and kill my plants. And dead plants do not remind me of childhood or anything that is remotely good.

I have a lot to do and I haven't done it. The weather makes me apathetic. Graduation makes me apathetic. Aren't I done yet? I think life is going to be good. I think life is pretty good. I get to go home this weekend and see the new theatre open. And I'm wrapping my head around the fact that next year I'm going to be there all the time, choosing the shows, running around desperately trying to keep up. I can't wait to see it done.

As it is in Heaven is nice and beautiful and I keep thinking about maybe becoming a shaker. Except for the part where I they don't have children. Giving up men is a little extreme, even though I have no men to give up. But I like being a PA and I like listening to hymns. Yeah, me, the heathen. I really like hymns.

I have to work today from 12-5 then run to class from 5-7 and then I have to go to rehearsal from 7-8:30 and then its off to Macbeth from 8:30 to who knows. Probably 9:30. I think about the overwhelming scope of my day and I am...overwhelmed. Once it starts I can't slow down. Readysetgo.

Man, I sometimes feel like my intentions are very good, but my followthrough is pathetic. I always feel like I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. If I spend time with my family I'm missing my friends. If I spend time with my friends my parents say that I don't spend enough time with them. When I spend time with my dad, my mom decides we should have a family dinner. Its just too complicated.

I'm really just upset that I somehow missed a series of phone calls and messages and ended up missing my friend Ursie this week. Ursula who is leaving the country again really soon. And if I missed her I may never get over it.

How is it so hard to coordinate my schedule? There doesn't seem to be enough time. I'm sure there must be some way to make it all work, but I never seem to choose that path. I know I overcomplicate things but I hate that my overcomplicating leads to me missing things.

This is such a silly entry. Its not even really coherent, I'm just upset. I'll get over it.

Thats all for now, I'm going to sleep so I feel better. *Sigh*

Gah. I have a lot a lot a lot due this week. I'm trying to think about the light at the end of the tunnel, but things just keep getting complicated. I need 3 units of crew to graduate and for a while today it looked like I had to choose between honors in directing and graduating. I think I figured it out now, so thats good. But I also need to call people and make plans for when I come home, and all I feel is tired.

But in just 3 days I will be home in the beautiful bay area where it is not so hot and where I will not have homework to do. The downside is I have to finish all my work in 3 days. Gah! So anyway, stress abounds. And I should be doing homework. I'll get it done. I always do. *sigh*

I have too much to do and not enough time. I don't sleep at night anymore because I just end up thinking about everything that needs to be done. And in spite of all the worry, I keep forgetting things. Like sending my program to Fowler for approval. oops.

I love On the Verge, but its sucking the life out of me. Its the most involved show I have ever done and I happen to be doing everything for it. Scenic design, costumes design, props, directing..... sometimes it feels like I do them in that order. The me time is gone. I feel like a failure as a college student. I don't go out and drink, I don't go to parties. I dream of a day when I have enough time to fold my laundry.

I'm trying so hard, but sometimes it feels like I work and work and I forget why I'm working so hard. I wish I had one true passion so that I could let the other ones drop away. I have a short story due tomorrow and it better be brilliant, On the Verge goes up this weekend and I'm still thinking we should do some scene work, and I'm pretty sure that I'm so far behind in playwriting catching up is slightly impossible. And I'm trying not to let it bother me that I have yet to pick my second scene for directing lab. At least I have a mentor...for my nonexistent scene. My linguistics class makes me feel like an idiot all the time. I like to think that once my show is done I will be able to concentrate more and the class will make sense, but right now its like speaking another language and I definitely don't know the language.

I yearn to be done with school. I desperately want to be part of whatever comes next, even though the thought of not being in school terrifies me. I have to be careful not start speaking in On the Verge speak. Its tempting to just quote the play all the time; I don't always know where it ends and I begin. I do yearn for the future. I want to embrace it with all my heart.

Ok, so my last entry was so achingly empty and sad that I felt it was necessary to update again and say, hey life is good.

Yeah, sometimes friendships end and it sucks. And sometimes they change so much that you can't recognize them, and that also sucks. And sometimes new relationships are confusing and you spend most of the time feeling like maybe you stepped out of your league. And thats not a bad thing, right?

I have had a crazy break, full of trying to fit people into my schedule before dad whisks me away to Arizona. I also have been freaking out trying to get my show together, which is proving to be a lot more difficult than anticipated. As in, I have no lighting designer. *FEAR* So thus begins my process of begging people to work on my show, even though they said that they cannot. Eeep.

Anyway, good things are happening and I like my life right now, even with the crazy. So hopefully they will just get better from here. We can only hope.

Ok, so heres the thing. I feel like I am not going to make it through tomorrow. And even if I make it through tomorrow, I am dubious about the day after that. I am dubious about making it through my life in general. I would like for things to be easy, for things to be simple. But they are not simple and they are not easy and my heart feels like its breaking.

What is friendship? How do you define it? I think that friendship involves two people, not one. I think two people need to be sharing and talking. And I think friendship, the real kind, entails more than just hanging out. It requires a deeper connection, a trust that runs deeper than merely "the things you do together". I think that you should know where your friends are emotionally.

So what do you do when you aren't friends anymore? Where do you go? Are you supposed to fight or just let it slide? If it were worth it, would it fix itself?

And what about meeting new people? When does someone become your friend, your best friend, your boyfriend, your love? Where are the lines? I need the lines to be drawn in for me. I don't know anymore.

I missed the part where being friends hurts. I missed the memo that said it meant lying to keep people happy. I didn't know that there could be times when friends don't talk, where they say things that hurt, where they hide things. I missed the part where people hurt you lots so they can try to keep you from hurting. I missed a lot of memos that would have helped me prepare for this.

I feel broken again, and I just thought I had fixed myself. I thought I was over stuff. I'm not. I want to be as good at living as I am at writing. I want life to flow like my stories, I want hints to be placed in chapter one. I want to go back and reread bits to see if I could have seen all this coming. I want...I just want to sleep for the next three weeks and wake up better.